To Be Loved

It’s been a little while since I’ve put pen to paper. Over the years, I’ve written mostly about my journey to healing and my victory over relationship failures. Today is no different. Six years ago, unbeknownst to me, God started me on a journey that has absolutely changed my life.

“Tam, this is Chris. Chris, this is Tam.”  As we’re standing there being introduced by his sister-in-law, who was also the newly married bride, my mind had already shut down the possibility of anything ever happening with this gentleman. I had been through decades of hurt and my guard was on high alert. We exchanged pleasantries and I returned to my seat with the expectation that I would not see this man again. After all, I was only asked to meet him. As the wedding reception progressed, I was elated at the fact that I would soon make my exit without so much as exchanging phone numbers. I gathered my children and prepared to leave. I looked up and saw Chris coming across the room headed straight for our table. I sighed to myself. He respectfully approached me and began to make light conversation. He asked for my phone number and out of pride, I made it clear that I would not be the one making the first phone call. He didn’t even flinch. After our brief chat, he walked my children and me to the door to make sure we left the reception hall safely. Even though my outer exterior was hoping he didn’t call within my 72 hour window, the inner girl in me was hoping he’d call and that he’d call soon. He didn’t call within those 72 hours and I was disappointed and relieved all at the same time. Imagine my surprise when he called me a week later. That one phone call turned into something greater and bigger, something that only God could intricately navigate us through.

Time passed and what started as an attempt at a relationship ended in a cold hearted look at myself. I fell for Chris and I fell hard. Years of hurt and pain were thrust at his feet as if he was God and had the power to fix a broken Tamara. I wanted him to be my everything and I wanted him to make ME better. He didn’t have the power to do that and my relentless pressure pushed him way. Needless to say, we didn’t work out as a couple. At first, I blamed him but that didn’t fly with God. I turned the mirror on myself and stood face to face with my brokenness. I asked God some questions. I asked Him “Lord, why do I have such a craving for a relationship? Why do I seem to want a man more than I want You?” He answered by telling me that it was because I had never been “fathered.” I was asking Chris to father me, love me, fix me and vindicate me. That was not his job because he was not my God. At that astounding revelation, I cried out “Lord, father me!”  Friends, I surrendered to being fathered.

The years continued to move along and I pressed forward in the Lord. I learned how to trust Him with my heart as He mended it. It took some time but He put me back together. He went back to my girlhood trauma and rebuilt me from the inside out. My deliverance came when I arrived to the place of God becoming my “more than enough.”   No man, no relationship and no marriage could do what God did. I was free to love and free to receive love. My heart was set on the Lord! God is my everything! Chris and I attempted to remain friends over the years but at the instruction of the Lord, I ceased communication with him. It was one of the hardest things I ever had to do. There was a two year period of silence between us. No phone calls or text messages. Absolutely no communication whatsoever! It was during this silence that God was working and I had no idea of what was to come.

September 2017. Hurricane Irma. My phone chirped. I looked at the message and I immediately recognized the phone number. I knew THAT number by heart! It was Chris. He was checking on my children and me to make sure we didn’t need anything before this monster of a storm rolled through. He always had a caring, tender heart and it was still the same. Each day, he would check on us and say hello. We continued to communicate and became real friends. I was a changed woman and he was a changed man. There was a new, sweet atmosphere surrounding our conversations, one of freedom, joy and mutual respect for each other. December of 2017, I felt a shift happen.  Something was different. God had already been speaking to me and He soon made it abundantly clear why.  Chris let it be known that he was pursuing me for marriage. Talking about a shock to me!! With the Lord’s permission and guidance, I allowed myself to be courted. God so graciously and wonderfully escorted me through the love that was being shown to me by a newly made man. God promised that He makes all things new. On March 9, 2018, Chris asked me to marry him! Yes, he got down on one knee and everything! I said yes! We will be married in September of 2018. I am truly marrying my best friend, the man of my dreams and the man of my prayers. God is the Creator of ALL things new! He did a new thing in me, He did a new thing in my love, Chris, and He’s doing a new thing in us. Isaiah 43:18-19 To be loved...

©2018