Confessions of a Single Woman: I Wanted a Man for the Wrong Reason

In my last "Confessions" post, I spoke of meeting a guy and really believing I was ready to be married. I went on to share it didn't work out and why. God showed me that marriage would not deliver me from my issues because that’s His job. He also showed me marriage would not rescue me. Even after the Lord corrected me on all that, I still had one more reality to face. I wanted a man for the wrong reason. My reason for wanting to be with someone was birthed out of years of rejection by man after man. I wanted a man just so that I could say to people "I have someone.” I used to dream about changing my Facebook relationship status and the feeling of accomplishment that went along with it. I wanted the news to somehow filter back to my exes that this treasure of a woman was now taken. I wanted to stick it to every man that had ever done me wrong. Yes, I, Tamara, who loves God with everything in me, secretly wanted revenge.

I say secretly because I would never SAY this out loud or admit this to anyone. But how many of you know that God looks on the heart? He knows the secret things hidden away and wants to get rid of those awful secrets. I pray and speak Psalms 51:10 over my life because having a pure heart and a heart towards God is high on His priority list, as it should be on ours. Once I admitted my secret to myself, God began to work in me. He already knew I felt this way but He was waiting for me to be honest and real about it so He could pluck it up because what He did not plant, He will pluck up. (Matthew 15:13) He wants the glory in everything so wanting a man for my own selfish reasons will not bring Him honor or glory. I have often said you cannot conquer what you don't confront and the time arrived for me to conquer this.

The process of plucking was painful and took a while but it was well worth it. I first acknowledged that I didn't know why I should want to be married. I then listened out for God to show me in His word, through sermons and through sources from Him, not the world, to let me know why I should desire to be married. I also allowed God to renew my mind and cleanse my heart from bitterness, blame, emptiness and sadness. I started spending more time with Him and my desire for Him grew more and more. I began to desire wholeness more than I desired a man. I opened my heart for God to be my everything and my more than enough. This went on for months and still continues! I was recently out for a walk one day, just meditating on all the great work God has done in my heart and for the first time in my life, I said out loud "Lord, I no longer want a man so that I can show and tell PEOPLE I have one. Lord, I am ready to boast in You so that I can tell people ‘Look what the Lord has done! It is marvelous in my eyes!’” In other words, I want a husband for the glory of God, not for the glory of Tamara. I want to tell the world about my process of being made whole! This, my friends, was another major milestone in my deliverance. Talk about a renewed mind?!? My heart is now free! I wish you all could see inside my spirit because it is the most beautiful feeling in the world to be free. Hallelujah!!!

Friends, if you secretly or outwardly feel this way, you are NOT ready for a relationship. You’re not ready because you’ll make your mate your God, hurt a good person or end up getting yourself in a hurtful situation. It is imperative that you allow the Lord to be your everything.  This doesn’t apply to just marriage.  If you feel this way about a job (wanting a good job just to prove somebody wrong), a degree (want a college degree just to “show them”) or things (got to have all that stuff just to impress people who probably aren’t even paying attention to you), your heart is not right. I implore you to pray Psalms 51:10 over your life and let the Lord cleanse your heart. The Lord wants us to enjoy everything His word says we can have but He doesn’t want us to have the wrong motive for why we want it. I do not believe God will give us anything our hearts can’t handle. Sure, we can go out and get it on our own, but it won’t be the best because it’ll be of the flesh and the flesh profits nothing. (John 6:63) Every good and perfect gift comes from the Lord, not from the works of our flesh. (James 1:17) The Lord has promised us strength to make it through anything, especially during the challenging times of singleness. If you are like I used to be, please start the conversation with God and partner with women who have successfully walked out their singleness, whether they are married now or not. We're here for you! Please know, however, when you ask a woman of God to help you, you should get answers based on the word of God, which will be contrary to the comfort of your flesh.  Ask me how I know...

Let's pray:
Father, Almighty, loving God, I praise You for Your wondrous love and power. Lord, I lift up every single person reading this. I pray that You renew us with strength every day. I pray that we begin to develop the most loving, intimate relationship with You we've ever had. By way of Your Holy Spirit teach us how to surrender to the power of Your love. Fill us everyday with Your presence, love and care. Show us how much promise You have on our lives, with or without a spouse.  Lord, nobody can love us like you can, even the most love filled mate can't do it.  Thank You for loving us like only a Father can love His children! In the name of Jesus, Amen.